Today's Been Rough

Hi guys.

I'm not going to lie. I think Thursdays are turning out to be the rough patches of the week up here this year. Today hasn't been great. Well, I mean, it hasn't been bad either. I had only good things happen today. But today has been... overwhelming is the best word. So this might turn more into a vent than an actually decent entry on the blog. Don't feel like you have to read it if you don't want to.

I woke up not really wanting to deal with people, which meant hiding under the covers and pretending that Allison wasn't there snoring. I didn't get much work done this morning like I wanted to, but that's okay. I have this week's work done. I would only have been working on next weeks assignments. It's also been unbearably hot in the dorm since everyone else doesn't like it super cold, which is okay, I can deal with that. However, it was a little harder today. I don't know what it was, but everything felt like too much. I could smell everything in the apartment like it was right in my face. People were too loud in class when I got there and everything smelled like BO. So that was rough.

I got to class early, since I didn't want to stay in the dorms for much longer. We talked about snakes again and even started to work on our design an animal project. My group liked my ideas about basing our animal off of bats rather than shrews, so that was nice. That was also the first time I spoke to people today (and the group work started around 11:30 which is kind of sad). I'd been making humming sounds when my roommates or other people talked to me before then. That's when I realized it was going to be one of those days.

I went back to the dorms after that. It took a little while for me to make food for lunch and then prep something for dinner (I didn't want a repeat of last Thursday). They were both simple, but Hannah and Grace were in the kitchen, and Allison was still in the room, so I felt cornered. I just went back on campus as soon as I could and hid in the Life Science Building where my next class was.

That class was great. I got to show how much I knew about amniotes and the teacher was impressed. That made me feel good. Like really good. One of the highest parts of my day kind of good. I felt a little better overall after that (even though all I could smell was one girl's smoking habit and the other girl smelled slightly like formaldehyde) and ate some dinner while working on notes for that class. I figured that would keep me in my good mood until I was able to meet up with Maren for choir.

That didn't last very long. Maren sent me a text saying she might be late for choir because she was at a club meeting of sorts for the Rangeland thing she told me about earlier this week. I had been hoping to talk to her (She's been really busy and our schedules don't really match and when she has free time she spends it with either Karin or on the computer playing games with her sisters/dad. I get it, really. It's just made me feel a little lonely but that's okay) but that wasn't going to happen. So I just went to the institute building by myself. It's very quiet there. Normally I have Maren there. It just made the feeling worse.

But she got there before choir started so we were able to sit together at least. Choir was the second highest part of my day. Or it was for a little while. There are two directors for the choir. I like one of them but the other I don't. He talks too much about too little and waxes poetic when he should just let us sing. So that was rough. I wanted the high from singing but he kept interrupting. It happens all the time in choir but today it seemed to be worse than usual.

On the walk back home, Maren and Karin were just talking. This is where I'm probably just going to vent. It felt like I was an outsider to them. I don't have all these years and years of memories together like they do. Maren would talk on and on about her life stories with Karin and Karin could track it. I felt lonely. I was surrounded by people but I felt lonely. It's been happening a lot recently. Especially when Maren brings up her plans for travelling after college. It was hard in high school getting used to the idea that I was going to have to leave Phoebe behind. But I'm closer to Maren than I was with Phoebe. I'm gonna have to do it again. And I hate it. I hate it so much. It's already hard when I have to deal with her people from before. I struggle with being possessive of friends, and I've been trying so hard. It just hurts when I can't spend time with her because she has different priorities.

It's hard being lonely around your best friend and not being able to say anything.

So yeah. Today emotions have been sucky. My senses have been on overload. My emotions have been down. And Allison keeps on bothering me by trying to offer me food that I don't want to try because I know what the texture will be like and I can't handle it. It makes me feel bad that I can't do it today when I know she just wants to help. She just left the room so I'm typing this real fast.

Tomorrow has to be better. It has to be. I'm gonna go and leave for comic-con with Alex and Maren and it will all be okay. Alex will have her sister around, but she won't ignore me hopefully if Maren is. Hopefully that will be enough.

Sorry for the depressing post. I promise nothing super bad happened today event wise. I'm just apparently a party pooper today.

I'm gonna go take a shower and eat some chocolate. That should help.